My nipple is on Facebook.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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