Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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