She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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