Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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