He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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