How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
God, I missed his penis.
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