I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
