May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
