I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
