I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
