I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
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