I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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