That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
