**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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