I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
