first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
