Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
She tied me up with her honor cords...
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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