She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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