Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
