as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
