my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
