things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
