I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
