Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
