why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
