In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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