I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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