farters have to be the big spoon...
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
the raccoons are back...
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