Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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