Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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