You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
