i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
