I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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