It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
