If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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