my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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