I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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