There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
