Don't make out with my wife yet
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
