I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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