just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
