textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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