I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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