so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
