I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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