I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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