Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
