we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
