I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
There r osticjed everywhere
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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