Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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